Vindication. thanks Harold

Please review the following video as sent to me by Harold and his purple crayon:

http://video.google.com/videoplay?docid=-7841918711943453918

I hate Carlos Mencia. The fact that he is unoriginal as well just tops it off. But he's a Hispanic Comedian and you make those jokes all the time!! you say?
I say of course I do, it's funny. I think it's completely ridiculous that this mofo is making so much money and got a dumb show off of jokes I've been telling and hearing since the day i was born man. I also do not agree with alot of "hispanic" racial jokes anyways. Most "mexican" jokes are things that aren't really "jokes" anyways. Theyre like "When I was a kid we fit so many people in the car" jokes. Those aren't jokes, that shit happened. They're lame. Funny cuz it's true only works SOMETIMES. AND JOKES only workwhen youve heard them the first thousand times. everytime after theat, they get less and less funny. Like what does NASA stand for? Need Another Seven Astronauts. hahahah. see. not funny anymore.
Further, the whole reason most comics are funny is because its original. ever go see a comic on tv. and think "hey i've heard this one beofre" or at a party and someone tells a joke. and starts off with "stop me if youve heard this one. Chances are he ripped it from someone else and it wont be funny. ewspecially if you already know the punchline.
Carlos Menica is garbage and now I have more reason to hate him. thanks

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Commercials that Need to Die

Okay, so as many of you know, I have more free time on my hands now most would like. So what does one do with this great gift? Well watch TV of course! So I've compiled a list of segments that can ruin a great half hour of television. In no particular order...

1. Direct TV: the guy is at a speed dating gathering and to every prospective date he starts the conversation with the promising opener, "Do you wanna make $50 the easy way?" But what he doesn't tell the ladies is that by turning them on to Direct TV he gets $50 himself. Yep, operating like a true pimp.

2. Proactiv: doesn't matter which celebrity is plugging this acne reliever, the commercials are always a 5 minute long AA testimonial. The fact that I'm not watching Dukes of Hazzard or Herbie:Fully Loaded probably means that I don't want Jessica Simpson or Lindsay Lohan on my TV.

3. Any NutraSystem commercial: Whether it is the over 40 ladies who are now their husband's "trophy wives", Zora of Joe Millionaire fame saying she is back to her high school weight, or even the footballers who say that their wives, "Don't find them as disgusting as she used to" or "I'm back to my playing weight." And I really don't want to hear any more about the advanced technology of the glycemic index.

4. Bowflex: Although I am bothered my all of the Bowflex commercials there is one that makes me throw up in my mouth a little. He is 49 years old plays in a "rock band" and has a real bowflex body. Plus, it involves one of my major pet peeves, men with shaved heads who have facial hair. Mid-life crisis alert!

5. Jared-the galleria of jewelry: While these commercials have thankfully died since Valentines Day they bothered me enough when they were constantly playing to merit notice. It didn't bother me that people buy jewelry for their significant others, what got to me was that everyone else was impressed, jealous, or spiteful about it. How many emotions can you tie behind, "He went to Jared"?

6. Free Credit Report.com: "I'm thinking of a number between 450 and 850, know what it is, it's my credit score and it happens to be 720. Like any true commercial that practices trickery, the fine print is that "your free credit report is dependent on enrollment in triple advantage" (which of course costs money!)

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Guess He Should Have Won Them All

Marty Schottenheimer was fired last night after going 14-2 with the San Diego Chargers this year. I have always known than the world of professional sports was one filled with giant egos that clashed often. Usually though, winning and success are the great equalizers. Any amount of friction and ego clashing can be cured if you just win (baby). Look at TO and the Eagles, when the year they made the Super Bowl TO was not a problem. The next year, when they started losing more all of a sudden that whole thing blew up. It happens time and time again, winning usually solves everything. Not in this case though.

Marty Schottenheimer is one of the greatest NFL head football coaches of all time. He took a San Diego team that wasn't doing much of anything and turned them in to winners. He took an unknown running back out of TCU and turned him into a record breaking future hall of famer. He lost Drew Brees and was left with the unproven and young Phillip Rivers and he managed to turn Rivers into a true leader of that football team. Yet the general manager didn't like him. He didn't like the fact that Marty wanted to hire his son as one of his coordinators. You would think with the pedigree that Marty has built throughout the years and with San Diego, he would be entitled to not have his assistant coaching decsions questions. Sadly, that was not the case.

I have no doubt that Marty will go on and continue his successful career. I am also sure that whomever San Diego hires will also do very well, they have too much talent on that team not too. However it is sad that you can have as good a season as Marty did and still be shown the door just because the GM doesn't like you. I can only hope that karma comes back to bite the Chargers.

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They Make It So Easy

Fox News make me laugh. The fact that I subjected to it 8 hours a day against my will has certainly turned me somewhat loopy I'm sure. I don't think they intend to be comedic. Judging from the tone of their anchors, programs, and bumper vignettes It would appear to me they would rather scare you than amuse you. I however am endlessly amused by them.

The Dixie Chicks won 5 grammys last night. I am not really a Dixie Chicks fan and I don't really have a take on their worthiness of a grammy or not. Fox News however does. Watching the morning mutual masturbation Fox News show "Fox & Friends" this morning, I could tell someone at FNC was none too happy about the "communist" Dixie Chicks winning. They went on and on, making sarcastic references and comments as they are apt to do on that show. They of course then decided to tear down the grammys as well, pointing out that Jimmy Carter won "Best Spoken Word" album and how that proved a vast left wing bias.

Here is what I just don't understand. Who gives a shit? Who cares if the Dixie Chicks won 5 grammies? Is that really the problem with the country? The Dixie Chicks? You would think the giggle gang on Fox and Friends would have better things to rant against then the Dixie Chicks. Of course straight, just the facts relevant reporting is not exactly something Fox is known for. So if you ever want to find out the real threats to America, just turn on Fox News and you'll find out which actor or singer is going to be our downfall.

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Shocked? No, Not Really...

It's very interesting watching the media cover this story of Anna Nicole Smiths death. The continuing theme that I am picking up on is a sense of surprise over this. The question I ask is why?

For many years all the evidence and all the coverage of Anna has shows somebody who was definitely on some sort of illicit substance. Yet, it was always only hinted upon, and those closest to her never came out and said anything or much less did anything to fix that. It was like watching a trainwreck, and in the end, yes the train derails. Her reality show a few years back showed a woman who was very much in the depths of drug and alcohol addiction, yet it was played up as a farce and something to laugh at. Those around her were the biggest enablers on this problem, and also the most aware of a problem. Yet, they did nothing, because the strung out and drunk Anna were the keys to the money car. It should come as surprise to no one, especially those guilty in watching this happen with front row seats, that she died in this way.

The second point on this is the sudden outpouring of affection for her. Why is it that when someone dies, that they suddenly become "great people" or their accomplishments are lauded. Yet, while alive they were the laughing stock of most of the media and public. Its the elephant in the room of celebrity. You look at bands like The Doors, Nirvana, and Sublime. These guys while certainly good and successful while they were alive have achieved an almost godlike persona in the media. Its like because they died young and in their prime that they are untouchable. I am sure the same treatment that has been given John Belushi, Chris Farley and Bill Hicks will be given to Anna. I guess you can never criticize a dead person.

While certainly a tragedy that anyone dies for any reason, this death should not come as a shock to anyone who has been familiar with her life in the past decade. It should more be used as a lesson of not only the dangers of over abuse of substances, but a lesson to those around such people. If there were more personal responsibility and care for these people by their entourage, then they might still be alive. Oh yeah, but that might stop the money train from pulling in to the station.

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National Disgrace?

I am a Washington Nationals fan. There, I said it. Saying that out loud is something akin to shitting yourself in public. Half of the people run away from the stink and bile, the other half laugh at you as you sit in your own filth. Being a National fan is like being a baseball pariah, never expect to be taken seriously.

This years team should go a long way towards continuing that feeling. Much like standing around wallowing in your own shit, watching this team this year will be an uncomfortable and probably rather smelly experience.

The offseason saw the Nationals lose many players ranging from all-star to decent role players. Alfonso Soriano, Jose Guillen, Jose Vidro, Livian Hernandez, and Tony Armas, Jr. will all be suiting up with different clubs this year. The Nationals made no moves of importance this offseason and seem to be rather happy with what they will be trotting out there this long, hot summer. Nick Johnson (1B) is coming off of a very serious injury and is questionable if he can still play well. Felipe Lopez (2B) is being moved over to an unfamiliar position and already was a defensive liability to begin with, his bat is average at best. Cristan Guzman (SS) is coming off a season ending injury last year, while good when he played for the Twins, the last time we saw him play for the Nats he was struggling to maintain a .160 average. Ryan Zimmerman (3B) is perhaps the only promising player in the lineup this year, he put up rookie of the year type numbers last year and looks to improve on that this year. Brain Schneider (C) is still a very good defensive catcher but is no great shake at the plate. The outfielders are a mix and match of career minor leaguers and journeymen, I don't expect much to come out of them this year.

If possible the pitching situation may be even in more dire straits, and yes, money for nothing is exactly what the Nats are getting out of it. John Patterson is perhaps the only legit starter, though he struggles at times and on a good team he would at best be a third starter. The rest of the rotation is guys you have never heard of and I expect the rotation will change many times throughout the season. The only bright spot is perhaps the bullpen. With the return on Luis Ayala and Ryan Driese the bullpen looks like it could maintain fairly well, especially if Cordero plays as he did in 2005.

Overall, don't expect much out of these guys this year Nationals fans. The final year at RFK will be much like the first two, lots of losses but a pretty damn fun time nonetheless. The only pieces of advice I have for the 2007 Nationals season is wear a diaper and always bet on Abe to win the races.

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96 Hours of News

I just got through watching a "breaking news" story on Fox News Channel about an airplane with its landing gear up. This "story" involved a good 20-25 minutes of watching a small airplane fly around burning its fuel and then landing. That’s it.

I don't seem to remember this being news back about 10 years or so ago. Now, in our world of 24 hour news coverage I ask, what is really news? Do we really need 4 separate 24 hour news stations? Is there really that much interesting, newsworthy things happening in the world? Or has our definition of what makes news sunk to such lows that 25 minutes is wasted on a damn Cessna with busted landing gear in Marietta, Georgia?

Now the same channel has followed up with another 15-20 minute discussion/news piece on if fashion models weight should be regulated by the government. Are these the issues facing the country? We have a war going on where soldiers are being killed daily, a debt that is so far in the toilet it will take decades to get out of, presidential campaigns are starting up and moving across the country, the entire country of Somalia is and has been in anarchy for 12 years, and it goes on and on. Forget all of that though; let’s spend 80 percent of our news intake on fashion models, Cessna planes and crazy astronauts.

Remember when you would hear the "This is an NBC News special report" or something like that and you knew something serious has happened. It would almost always send a chill down my spine just hearing that. However, now everything from a car chase in LA (a daily occurrence) to a warehouse fire in New Jersey (another daily occurrence) are treated as "breaking news" and "developing stories".

Maybe it is because I sit next to the TV at work and am subjected to this each and every day. But I am so, so tired of all these stories and all this effort being wasted on such stupid, non-news stories that do not belong on the air. There has to be a better use for this very expensive airtime. Don't you think?

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Stop Everybody...Now, Panic!

So you know this thing in Boston? This thing where they shut the city down because they thought they had found some terrorist bombs? This thing were it turned out these "terrorist devices" were nothing more than advertisements for the show Aqua Teen Hunger Force? Yeah, that thing. So what did these terrible, horrible, fear inducing devices actually look like? I mean they must have been pretty intimidating to shut down an entire cities transportation network. Well, here is what they were:



Well at least if these lite brites were terrorist devices, they had a sense of humor about it. Nothing like getting blown up while laughing at a little cartoon dude giving you the finger. Here is the deal. I am a fan of the show this advertisement was for, I know who this character is and I find this entire situation entirely too hilarious on one hand, and entirely too overblown on the other. In the cartoon, excuse me, animated adventure this guy is part of a team of "bad guys" from the moon. They come to earth and get involved in ridiculously stupid and petty crimes in some plan to cause havoc. They are always woefully inept, however it appears they were able to shut down Boston.

Now do people in Boston just have beans for brains? Possibly. Before you chastise me for not taking this serious enough and applauding Bostons vigilance, let me let you in on an underreported facts about this. These "devices" had been up for three weeks, not only in Boston but in 11 other US cities, including New York City. How many phone calls to 911 were received? How many reports to the FBI made? How many bomb squads called to detonate a cartoon character? ). Zilch. Nada. Not a single call in three weeks about these devices. Not a single complaint.

I stand a 1 in 88,000 chance of being involved in a terrorist attack. I also stand a 1 in 77 chance of being killed in my car driving to work. We spend a billion zillion dollars on counter-terrorism, we have entire agencies devoted to stopping terrorist attacks, it dominates the news coverage everyday (especially Fox News, they like to really scare you). We spend a fraction, an almost infinitesimal fraction of the spending and resources we provide to anti-terrorism on the National Transportation Safety Board. We worry ourselves all day that we are willing to shut down entire cities based on just the mere possibility that some neon bar sign could be a terrorist device. Yet you never see political pressure put on our elected officials to put more funding into repairing roads, into regulating auto industry safety standards, into better enforcement for those who violate traffic laws. Nobody talks about that, we are all worried about getting blown up by a trash can. Why? Because that's what Fox News tells us we need to worry about.

I am willing to live with the small percentage chance that I could be killed in a terrorist attack. Afterall, I live with these chances everyday. I have a better chance of being hit by lightning than being in a terrorist attack. If having to give up some of the securities in my life in order to maybe prevent the widespread panic that sets in whenever a suspicious object is found, I am willing to do so. I would much rather see the resources, the money, and the coverage be put to such things as funding cancer research or heart disease research (the number 2 and number 1 killers in America). To me that seems a wiser place to put our efforts than wondering if that cartoon character giving me the finger is going to suicide bomb me.

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Monday after

This morning when i woke up the world seemed a little more gray, even though the sun was out. Even though it was cold, the cold seemed to bite at me just a little bit harder. The decorations that had gone up last night just seemed to have dulled. My case of the Monday morning blues seemed bluer. The taste in my mouth was so much more bitter, and the minor hangover this morning seemed just a little more painful.
The thing that hurts the most is actually seeing your team get to the Superbowl and lose. It would probably hurt less if we didnt make it to the playoffs. Being that close and seeing your team lose pulls at your heartstrings like the end of Old yeller and Dirty Dozen. Having to wait for so long for your team to be good makes it hurt even more. It was tough putting on my beanie, knowing the orange C logo atop my cold head would bring looks of ridicule. Waiting for the Shuttle to pick me up for work was a lonely wait. My heart dropped suddenly last night when I realised it was too late to come back. I sat in stunned silence, hat in bears blue pulled low over my eyes as if it ward off the imagery projected in my 50 inches of DLP HD on my Samsung official Tv of the NFL, but the tiny mirrors were not fogiving, as I was forced to watch it all unfold. I could still hear the tragedy unfold in Dolby digtal 5.1 surround sound. The only thing that made the night go by faster was that I was surrounded by good friends. Some not Bears fans, but supporters of a friend's team. Their teams being washed out in earlier phases of the 16 weeks of NFL season. The only thing that makes for a brighter outlook: two weeks until pitchers and catchers report for spring training, an NFL draft to aid my Chicago bears in the future, and Key elements like Lovie(Big Pimp daddy Bear)Smith, Brian(Big Bad Bear)Urlacher,and Olin(The O-line) Kreutz signed to long term contracts. thanks for the awesome season CHI-town.

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