NDPB Asshole Rules

There have been several controversies regarding the rules of "Asshole"... the drinking game during parties in which a game was attempted to be played. Always there is a five minute dissertation to get the rules laid right, since its one of those games where everyone plays different. This will serve as the "OFFICIAL" NDPB rules for any parties in the future. This can be a living blog, and may be updated as we amend rules.



1. Home Rule- The Home rule states that whomever's house that the game is being played at is the automatic president for the first round. president is the only rank for the first round. there is no vice, and there is no asshole. This rule serves to create an authority for any rule disputes, and to keep the game moving.



2. Normal Play- During normal play, the turns should continue in a clockwise manner starting with the president, then the vice, all the way down the ranks until the asshole is reached. The President may open play with any card, or any card pair he/she may choose.



3. Doubles vs. 3 of a kind vs. single cards- Single cards may only be played upon single cards, and doubles on doubles; and so forth. A pair, or 3 of a kind can only be played at the beginning of play, or after any clear.



4. Skipsies- Anytime two same-ranked cards are played in succession, the next player is skipped. ex.- player A plays a 3, player B plays a 3, player C is skipped and must drink.



5. Drink!- You MUST drink when you can not play a card. If you can not beat the last card played by either a natural superior rank, or any trump cards, you skip your turn and must drink. also, if you are the victim of rule #4, you must also drink. These are basic drinking rules that can not be Vetoed. Even the President MUST drink in these situations.



6. Trump cards- In any NDPB game, both the 2 and the 4 are both special trump cards.

during any play, a 2 may be thrown to clear the pile. a single 2 may be thrown on any pair, or 3 of a kind.

A 4 may be played as a wild and at this time a social occurs... everyone must drink. play continues as if the 4 was never played, and the last card is still active. A four may be played after any pair or 3 of a kind.



7. Ranks- Only 3 official ranks exist in any NDPB game: the President, The vice President, and the Asshole.



President- Before the cards are dealt for the next round, the President may announce 1 new rule. most rules are allowed, but be reasonable. its supposed to be fun.

Vice-president- serves only to be a crony and has no real authority

Asshole- The Asshole is the most important role in the game. The Asshole always deals. The asshole always refills beers. The Asshole also clears the pile when appropriate.

8. The "Automatic Asshole" rule- Between rounds when the asshole is shuffling and dealing the deck, no one, not even the president may tell anyone to drink. Anyone telling anyone to drink is automatic asshole. Further, until the cards are completely dealt, the Asshole may tell ANYONE to drink, even the president.

It is common practive to use the "musical chairs" concept when sitting in ranks, with plush seating for the president, and degradeing seating as the ranks get lower, to possible sitting on the ice chest, or even standing for the asshole.

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Chingate' Odalis Perz

I'm taking a cue from one of my new favorite blogs.http://fuckyoupenguin.blogspot.com/

and saying, FUCK YOU, Odalis Peres. you decide to not show up for the first day of practice to Nationals Spring training because you want more money and more guarantees. Well, Fuck you Peres, who the fuck do you think you are? you went 7-12 after starting for 30 games. I'm not asking you to win 20 games or more, I'm asking you to have more wins than losses. guarantee some wins asshole, and the natties will guarantee you some money.

and who the fuck do you think you are that you think you can command anything? You cant even command you're own fucking fastball. lets look at something I found out on the internets... Your Yahoo! stats page.
http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/players/6088

honestly, i will give you this. You're average. You're FUCKING AVERAGE when it comes to ERA. I'm not asking you to have a super low ERA like 2.53 which is the league leader, but average, i cant complain. so far you're case holds some water. but then again, now I'm looking at the strike-outs column. your little blue bar seems very low considering the league league leader. 119 K's is way better than average in this column. that's great considering the league average is a mere 47. I believe you may be winning me over odalis. Your WHIP is shoddy to say the least, and now i understand why you play for the Nats. For your 159 innings pitched, you allow at least 1.48 walks and hits per inning. the league average is 1.38, which may not seem far off, but most pitchers can pitch 160 full innings in a season... you fall short at 159.2 not to bad, but we're starting to see why the worst team in baseball thinks you're not that great either.
My biggest problem is you're win column buddy. 7 games. 7 games? are you kidding? 162 game season, and you pick up 7 bigtime games?! you think this deserves recognition of skill? you started 30 games, if you broke EVEN you'd have 15. You dont even have that! SHIT, you don't have HALF of HALF. http://sports.yahoo.com/mlb/blog/big_league_stew/post/Top-O-The-Order-Oh-Odalis-mdash-Nationals-l;_ylt=Agz6XHghauHYyW98P1uzzouFCLcF?urn=mlb,141942

Before you start threatening staying home rather than be disrespected, you better start realising that the worst team in baseball is the only team willing to deal with your sorry ass.

also, in the last link there's a picture of you on the mound.. you're standing still, doing nothing. but I see a Baltimore orioles player running the bases rather casually... did he knock in a homer on you? I'm am guessing that's what it is considering you gave up 22 HRs in the 30 games you started, you POS.
My advice to you is asshole, get to practice, you need it. Otherwise, you will be sitting on your ass at home.
My advice to the Natties: sign me guys, my offer still stands. 1 million for one year. I guarantee 5 wins, or your money back.

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Pulling the Plug

It is coming close to happening. It is always sad when these days come when I am about ready to pull the plug on an old friend. Heroes, you made me weep when I cut you off and deleted you from my DVR. Pushing Daisies? Not long after I cut you out of my life did ABC cut you out of everybodies lives. There was always one show however that i could tune into each and every Thursday night and be guranteed laugh, entertainment and a bucketload of quotes to impress my friends with on the coming weekend, that show was of course you, The Office. What wonderful times we had, you and I, laughing at Michael Scotts bumbling ways, Dwight Shrutes outrageous behavior, and the general antics and mayhem of the superb supporting cast. Your laughs based off of general office place mayhem were clever on both the high and lowbrow forms, you were in a word, superb.

That is why it is so saddening to see where you are now. Stepping further and further into the realm of dramedy, neglecting the characters and story quirks that made you so interesting while you focus on lame relationship stories that you ask the audience to take seriously. Remember the Toby/Michael squabbles? Only a throwaway line or two in todays shows. Remember when you brought Ryan back? I do, but nobody else does since he hasnt been seen on camera in weeks. Remember when Michael was just a goofy clutz, who you could count on for laughs? Now he is crying over a broken heart. Rememebr when Andy Bernard was the goofiest guy in The Office? Now he is getting into serious fights with Dwight over Angela.

The bottom line is the The Office, I dont watch you for relationship drama. There are hundreds of other shows and movies that do that with a cast far more suited for that type of thing. You guys are supposed to be comedians, its supposed to be a comedy show yet week after week the serious storylines take more and more precedance while the comedy storylines become the "B" story. In short, you have become like every other lame sitcom on network television.

You are on life support The Office, the prognosis is not good. Two weeks maybe. If we dont see some signifigant improvemenet I'm afraid I may have to pull the plug. It will be best for both of us, I need to start the grieving process and move on in life without you and I think we need to end your suffering. Dieing like this is just no way to go out.

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On Sports

I understand what people are upset with Michael Phelps about. I just don't think people are putting it into the right words to sports heads for them to buy into the argument of "role-model" vs. Athlete. The difference is pro athlete vs. Olympic athlete for one thing. they are completely different on a few levels. the argument about good performing athlete vs. poor performing athlete also come into play on this article. below is my argument concerning both points.



1. Michael Phelps is in the wrong because he is not a pro athlete, per se. When Vick got busted, he only embarrassed him, and the ATL Falcons organization. When Pacman Jones want to "make it rain" in da club, he embarrasses only himself, the Dallas Cowboys, and Jerry Jones... except not anymore. But Michael Phelps doesn't play for a privately owned organization (that's another argument entirely). He plays for USA. he represents, you, me and everyone here. The Charles Barkley argument is moot. "you're not paying me to be a role model, you're paying me to win" Remember when he played for the first dream team, and he was making those poor Lithuanian B-Ballers look ridiculous? the difference is that he acted the fool only on the court. He still acted right off the court. All his off court drama has only come up in recent years.



2. The other argument is about Good athletes get away with more. This is entirely true. Good players don't lose endorsements or get cut from teams. some players get more than one chance.

I will use a relevant case: Olympics. Bode Miller. Once thought to be the MOST dominant Super-G skier int he world, team USA let his lifestyle choices and choice to not train with the team actually slide. he actually said on record hat he partied often till the early morning hours drunk of his ass before an actual competition.(okay, not in those words, but not far off). team USA let that slide. but then Bode Miller, seemingly choked in every Big competition we instantly shun him, and talk badly about him. Being bad in the second tier Olympics is bad enough, but bad lifestyle choices as well... you get nothing. If anything, Michael Phelps choose wisely while he was still relevant. The summer Olympics were only a few months ago, people still care about him and he's still doing commercials for all kinds of crap. He will too, for another year, or until he screws up again and gets his third strike. As soon as he becomes irrelevant, like Marion Jones was when she came out with her performance enhancing drugs, he will get crucified like Marion Jones. and then we'll give them a book deal and an Oprah interview.
Remember Lance Armstrong came up hot in multiple tests for certain drugs? he'd already won 7 tour de Lances by then... that's right, they renamed it for him. think yellow... remember that? before lance, yellow was the color of Tour de France winner jersey not much else. Not a bracelet fad. We all let that shit go, because not only was he a winner, but he also had a hot as hell wife who was also at the top of her game. It was only until he started a bromance with naked bongos Maconnaughy and spider-boy Maguire did we start thinking he was a bit off... so what does he do? announce hes gonna ride again. and we completely forget about drug tests.
speaking of McGwire. Mark McGwire and Sammy Sosa... NO ONE cared about drugs when they were at the height of their Homerun derby. We just wanted to see the Homeruns. And they were positively great human interest stories too. Sammy always giving big ups to mom and god with the kissy faces, and McGwire was an all American good ol boy. whats not to love?
then along come big bad Barry bonds. who is an ass hat with a baseball glove. you can be a cheater and you can be good. but you cant be an asshole about it. Do not get a reality about the harsh world of a poor millionaire that plays a game for job. that's a dream, you can be an asshole while living the dream.

speaking of dreams.
I had a dream the other day. i had a dream I was playing relief pitcher for the Washington nationals. I remember waking up and going... "hmm, this could happen" Because every kids want s to play Shortstop or 1st base for the yankees... those are hardcore dreams. but a national? who dreams about that? apparently me. here's the thing... It COULD Happen. the Natties are the worst team in a screwed up game. they cant seem to sign their college picks. They cant seem to trade their valuable guys for something valuable(Jon Rauch, Alfonso Soriano)in fact, they just let them go. They cant seem to make any waves int he FA market. we almsot had Texeira, but then baseball villain DEVIL IN PINSTRIPES come along and offers him the one thing we cant.. money.
that's the problem with baseball. the NY devils can sign anyone they want to sit the bench for millions of dollars. and still sell their jerseys. the Nats cant sell a ticket. shit, they cant GIVE away tickets. and we'll stick with Manny Acta while he makes terrible decisions late in games witha 5-0 lead and watch as the Bullpen gives up five runs on five pitches... all homeruns. swear, it felt that way last season.
speaking of bullpens and dreams..
so there i was, called in from right field bullpen to the mound and natties park. my first professional baseball game. the natties are up 3-0 in the 6th inning. I'm not even the closer. shit, all I gotta do is get this to the 8th inning and I'm good. i don't even have to strike anyone out, I just cant give up a home run. and then i hear it, the stadium announcer:
"now pitching, number double zero, "Superfudge"" well, they use my real name, but I replace it here with my pen name. yeah, I'm double zero. Milledge wears 34 already and I don't have the dough to pay for it. that's the thing, i can work for cheap. 1.5 million that's all I ask. that aint shit. i need the .5 to pay for my superagent Drew Rosenhouse. he's an awesome agent.
really, I don't remember too much, but I remember waking up, after getting lit up on the mound like christmas eve. i think I gave up like ten runs or something. and thinking, damn, for the natties, that was pretty good. and I started breaking in my glove the next day.

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the future aint bright

Look, the one time I actually believed in change. The one time I was ready to go and believe: congress will make changes. the president actually care about those changes http://www.mtv.com/videos/news/333638/sway-welcomes-you-to-the-youth-inaugural-ball.jhtml#id=1603059



This alone shows me how much not only how much that politics is still going to be staus quo, but how much that young people's opinon will still not count. It bothers me that to no end that we had to wait for almost 6 hours to be told that we would not be able to see our our president. this is not baout not getting intoa party. this si about that EVRY other inaugural ball there was lines for sure, but you knew you would get in. No other inuagural blatantly oversells tickets expecting people to be content with waiting in line. Some people worked for 6+ years all over the country forsaking relationships and their own personal lives to amek this happen. The reward was suppsoed to be this party.
The fact that this party treated every young person there insignificant ly showed me that we are allowed to work for change, but change is not allowed toc ome to us. damnit, I even changed my political affiliation this time.

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The FailDance

So here's the setup. we go to Rollerderby at the DC Armory. And it is very much what i expect it to be. Redneck like punk rockers and Rockabillies. Some Bohemian types thrown in. most of the music playing during the bout is the same.

Then, during Halftime, this group...

brownmonkeymusic.com plays. listen. theyre not called brown monkey music. theyre actually called brownmonkeymusic.com, they named theyre group an internet URL. how's that for street cred? At any rate, this suti comes out to introduce them but doenst leave the performance area. he then proceeds to do what i call
"theFailDance"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Mc_7Q4GQSE8


Its pretty absurd, but whats more than that is afetr the performance, he leaves the "stage" and removes his shades... as if it was part of his "cool" persona or something.


Guys in suits who cant dance=bad hype men

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